Sunday, October 26, 2003
Yes, but Clinton got a blowjob!
A Field Guide to Conservative Debate
Hey, you! Yeah, you - the young, hip, online conservative. Tired of having virtual sand kicked in your face by online liberals, who always make you appear petty and malicious by spinning rings around your weak arguments? Here's help - a half-dozen simple rules to remember and you'll soon be debating like a pro.*
1) Never admit error. Always continue to defend even the most totally and completely refuted argument as if your life depended on it. A single chink in your armor may prove fatal. You must believe, now and always, if you are to be saved. If the opponent points out that s/he disproved something during a past debate, claim not to remember the proof and ask for it again. Stall for time whenever possible.
2) Always question the opponent's sources, even if those sources are normally beyond reproach. Hell, especially if they're normally beyond reproach. Remember, any time the opponent spends on the defensive is less time s/he can spend finding holes in your arguments, right? Think "Liberal Media!" A particularly nice touch is questioning sources you've used yourself.
3) When in doubt, go back to basics. You know, "Al Gore Invented the Internet!" or "Hillary Murdered Vince Foster!!" or the ever-popular, "Yes, but Clinton got a blowjob!!!" These tactics are tried and true for a reason - they work. Just ask any third-grader. Besides, any time your opponent spends scraping his or her jaw off the floor at your bringing out that old discredited nonsense again is less time, etc. etc.
4) Defend every - and I do mean every - action or statement of the Bush Administration as sweetness and light, despite the odious nature of some of these actions and the opposition of the other 99.99% of humanity. Think "House Negro" or "Uncle Tom" and you're getting the idea.
5) Insult whenever possible, particularly using that pedantic, pseudo-intellectual tone so popular amongst online conservatives, e. g. "I find your unremitting anti-Americanism disgusting. In your subjective opinion, you can think a lot, but you cannot realize it; America can, America does." (actual quote**) If called on this, huffily assert that your opponents "started it."
6) In the end, when it's become obvious to even the dimmest of observers that you've been soundly spanked, whine. Loudly. Accuse them all of "bigotry" and "prejudice" against conservatives. Cry if you're a girl, or have been posing as one. Sportsmanship is for losers - didn't Vince Lombardi say that?
Oh, and don't forget - it really is different when it's you. You're special - Jesus says so.
Now, get out there and kick liberal butt, Tiger. GRRRRRRRRRowl!
Sources:
* http://www.geocities.com/patriotland/index.html
** http://www.geocities.com/patriotland/antiusa.html
A Field Guide to Conservative Debate
Hey, you! Yeah, you - the young, hip, online conservative. Tired of having virtual sand kicked in your face by online liberals, who always make you appear petty and malicious by spinning rings around your weak arguments? Here's help - a half-dozen simple rules to remember and you'll soon be debating like a pro.*
1) Never admit error. Always continue to defend even the most totally and completely refuted argument as if your life depended on it. A single chink in your armor may prove fatal. You must believe, now and always, if you are to be saved. If the opponent points out that s/he disproved something during a past debate, claim not to remember the proof and ask for it again. Stall for time whenever possible.
2) Always question the opponent's sources, even if those sources are normally beyond reproach. Hell, especially if they're normally beyond reproach. Remember, any time the opponent spends on the defensive is less time s/he can spend finding holes in your arguments, right? Think "Liberal Media!" A particularly nice touch is questioning sources you've used yourself.
3) When in doubt, go back to basics. You know, "Al Gore Invented the Internet!" or "Hillary Murdered Vince Foster!!" or the ever-popular, "Yes, but Clinton got a blowjob!!!" These tactics are tried and true for a reason - they work. Just ask any third-grader. Besides, any time your opponent spends scraping his or her jaw off the floor at your bringing out that old discredited nonsense again is less time, etc. etc.
4) Defend every - and I do mean every - action or statement of the Bush Administration as sweetness and light, despite the odious nature of some of these actions and the opposition of the other 99.99% of humanity. Think "House Negro" or "Uncle Tom" and you're getting the idea.
5) Insult whenever possible, particularly using that pedantic, pseudo-intellectual tone so popular amongst online conservatives, e. g. "I find your unremitting anti-Americanism disgusting. In your subjective opinion, you can think a lot, but you cannot realize it; America can, America does." (actual quote**) If called on this, huffily assert that your opponents "started it."
6) In the end, when it's become obvious to even the dimmest of observers that you've been soundly spanked, whine. Loudly. Accuse them all of "bigotry" and "prejudice" against conservatives. Cry if you're a girl, or have been posing as one. Sportsmanship is for losers - didn't Vince Lombardi say that?
Oh, and don't forget - it really is different when it's you. You're special - Jesus says so.
Now, get out there and kick liberal butt, Tiger. GRRRRRRRRRowl!
Sources:
* http://www.geocities.com/patriotland/index.html
** http://www.geocities.com/patriotland/antiusa.html
